Flashback to Sunday June 22nd 2008. It is 3am and I wake up in the South of France in a small town about 30 minutes drive East along the coast from Nice.
It is the day of my first Ironman. I have barely slept, the combination of excitement and nerves have left me unable to get into deep sleep despite going to bed at 9pm. If you have read my other blog posts you will know that the journey to get to this point has taken nearly 10 years. By any measure this is a big day.
I nervously eat my breakfast, almost forcing it down because I dont really feel hungry. I have sworn that I cannot leave to go to the race until I have been to the toilet twice. My body doesn’t want to help me….
Eventually, with Ana, my wife, we get in our car rental to drive to the race start. I am half asleep but manage to find an underground parking spot near transition by the sea in Nice. We walk outside with all of my nutrition, pump, wetsuit etc etc. It is now about 4.30am, it is still dark but it is already a warm day. There are people leaving clubs across the street from transition. It is at this point I realise that a few years ago that very likely would have been me leaving the club. A big night just finishing up and a day in bed and by the seaside ahead. How things have changed!
My nerves have subsided for now. It is still in the pit of my stomach but it’s manageable.
I set up my bike, check the tires, my transition bags, my wetsuit, and go to the toilet one more time. All is ready, it is now 5.15am. I have an hour and 15 minutes until the gun goes off and I will run down the pebble beach into the sea to swim 2.4 miles.
I have some drink that I had kept behind and the nerves start to well up in my stomach. Can I do this? Can I really do this?
It unbelievable, 140.6 miles in one day….can I really….The music starts playing and the announcer starts his commentary on what is going on in French. I understand most of what he is saying but I know what is going on.
I did not actually swim 2.4 miles in training. I got to 2 miles…what happens if I cant make it? Did I train enough? I cant do it?
This is where Ana intervened. ‘We have come all this way, you have done all the training, you will be fine go do it!!’ That helps me be stronger but the nerves are still there.
I put on my wetsuit, I warm up and before you know it I am on the beach with goggles in hand. The announcer starts to get more excited in his words. Then the song I will never forget comes on Yves LaRock - Rise Up. Tears started to well up in my eyes…this was the end of one journey in my life and the beginning of another. Could I really do this?
Then, the gun goes off….all of the age-group athletes, including me, start to walk into the water. I start swimming…I am so emotional and overcome I can barely breathe.
I swim, taking a breath, every stroke, which takes so much more energy than is needed. I keep doing this for a couple of a hundred of meters.
I then started to really doubt myself.
I can’t do this, I can’t breathe, I dont belong here, I am not an athlete, why dont you quit.
No just keep going one stroke at a time
Stop kidding yourself, just quit and go back to bed.
Look, your arms are sore, you just not fit enough quit! You dont belong!
No just keep going
This conversation is going on in my head. I am genuinely fighting with myself. I can still hear Yves singing ‘Rise up Rise up’ from the shore.
I cant tell you how close I was to listening to the negative voices and quitting. Somehow I just kept going…forget about how long I have to go…just do one stroke at a time. After a while my breathing and my heart rate settles down. I am just focused on getting the job done. I dont look back…I do the swim and go onto finish the race.
That was the beginning. 18 Ironman finishes later I still have some of those feelings every time I start a race but I know how to deal with them.
I have used this experience so many times in my life.
You will lose your nerve, you will question your own ability…just keep moving forward..never stop.